Beginnings
by Cinerari
Summary: CWZ-verse; A very headcanon-y version of Zero's back story. Because I'm mean.


**Err, I wasn't planning on posting this one because it's such a headcanon piece, but Aerandir Linaewen found my little hidden writing blog and requested it. Oh dear ^^; I actually have two different versions of Zero's upbringing in my head. This is the much darker one. It's from a theme challenge I started. The prompt was beginnings, so that was the title. Titles are hard...**

**Let's play, how mean can I be to Zero?**

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All I'd ever wanted to hear was the slightest bit of praise. I wanted to see him slip a smile and ruffle my hair. Acknowledgement. I wanted acknowledgement, and I did everything I could to get it.

"Warrius," he'd spit, frowning at me. Always frowning. "Go get me another bourbon."

He'd asked me to get his alcohol for him since I was old enough to understand the command. It wasn't upsetting to me. It was just one of my jobs, something I did to help my father.

He wasn't abusive. He didn't yell or hit me unless I'd done something honestly wrong. He was strict, and I grew up hardened and proper because of it. I wanted to make my father proud, so I made myself the man I thought he wanted me to be.

I went to a private academy, the same one he'd gone to. I didn't excel naturally. It took dedication and hours of studying, but I graduated second in my class. After the ceremony, I offered him a smile. "Look, Dad," I wanted to say. "Look at what I did for you."

But he didn't smile back. He didn't ruffle my hair or say "good job, son." He did nod his approval though, and that was enough to make my chest swell.

I loved astrology. It was the one subject I'd aced in school without struggling. The best universal science school in the country offered me a scholarship. I couldn't hide my joy as I showed it to my father. But as he frowned in disapproval at it, my own expression fell.

"Boy like you needs to go to a proper military academy," he said before knocking back a glass of his favorite bourbon. "You ought to join the army. Get some experience in what space is really like before you start fawning over how pretty it is or some shit."

I didn't want to fight, but he wanted me to, and that was all it took. The next day I signed up for the army. At least I'd managed to apply for a position in space. I'd get to see it all up close, just not in the way I'd hoped.

"Good," was all my dad said when I told him. I pretended it was praise despite the obvious harshness to his voice.

I was tall and awkwardly lanky. I didn't have much muscle to speak of, so the officers at the training academy beat it into me. I hated that place. I hated every second of it. It was all for my father though, to give him a son he could be proud of.

When they had to send me home to recover from shattered ribs and a collapsed lung, my father yelled at me just like the officers.

"Weak."

"Stupid."

"Worthless."

It hadn't hurt coming from them, but from him, the words were knives. I didn't say anything. I could tell he was drunk. It was the anniversary of mom leaving us after all. I'd upset him further and it was entirely fault for being so weak, so worthless.

When I graduated from the academy, he grumbled because I hadn't gotten any honors outside of strategy. I was assigned to a smaller patrol ship that always stayed within the boundary of the moon's orbit. It was good enough. I had to be better.

I climbed the ranks, throwing everything I had into getting to the top. Some of the older men would come to me for advice on strategy. They'd smile their approval, compliment me. But they weren't the ones I was trying to impress. I didn't care what they thought.

I thought I saw my chance to break out from the sea of other grunts when I was approached by a man scouting for an elite group. The Independents they called themselves. Their ships were more impressive than any the army could hope to put me on.

I accepted the offer to join without hesitation. This was my chance to prove what I was worth to my dad. I could show him how far I could get.

I met her at the Independents' offices. She was a simple desk worker and the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She was wonderfully kind too. She never stopped smiling as I stumbled through a conversation with her. I didn't even mean to ask her on a date. It just slipped out. But she smiled and said yes. I was walking on air.

For the first time in my life, things felt right. The crew of the Karyū, the ship I'd been assigned to, was like a strange sort of family to me. I made friends. I had a steady girlfriend. The captain even picked me out as one of his favorites. I was taken under his wing while at the same time he asked for my advice.

The day after I was promoted to first officer, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. When she said yes, I was certain of it – I'd made it. I'd become who my father wanted me to be. Now I just had to show him. I wanted to surprise him. Hopefully he wouldn't mind. I took a few day's vacation to return home, feeling jittery as I placed my hand on the front door.

My fiancé found me curled up on the floor, sitting next to the spot where I'd found his body. He'd finally done it. He'd finally drunk himself to death. They'd taken him away hours before, but I couldn't understand, so I just stayed there.

Someone must have called her for me, because I hadn't. She rushed to my side and held me and whispered how sorry she was. I was so confused. I was so empty. Suddenly everything I'd done seemed worthless.

There were so many nights after that she'd find me sitting in the kitchen of our home, staring at the wall as I drowned myself in bourbon. She'd gently pull the bottle from my grasp and place her hand to my cheek. "You're a good man, Warrius Zero," she'd say as tears filled her eyes. I tried to believe her.

My captain would notice when I was having a spell of self-loathing as well. One day, when it was just the two of us on the bridge, he stepped up behind me and ruffled my hair. "You're staring off into space again, son," he smiled, though there was sympathy in his eyes. "I just figure you should stop beating yourself up over him so much. I'm sure he wouldn't want for you to. I bet he'd be so proud of you."

It felt as though a hole was being torn through my chest. I told him, no, my father was never proud of me for anything. He never would have been.

All those childish ambitions, what was even the point? Why had I wasted my life trying to make him happy when it never would have happened?

The captain seemed to understand because his expression saddened. "I'm proud of you, son," he said.

I broke down then. I cradled my head in my hands and cried. I felt so embarrassed for letting him see me like that, but he didn't call me weak or worthless. He simply told me I should take some time off to be with my wife. He told me that I should start my own family so I could show my father how it was done.

My wife beamed at the idea of a child. We did so much planning. I built the nursery and she taught me everything I'd need to know about how to take care of a baby. Even though I still felt as though I'd probably make a mess of things, It seemed right somehow. I finally had something to look forward to.

The first time I held my daughter, a warmth spread through my chest. In an instant the old wounds were closed by this new perfection in my life. My little girl was beautiful, and I would make sure she knew that. I would make sure she knew how proud of her I was when she accomplished something, even if it was small. I would smile when she smiled. She'd never see me take a sip of alcohol. I was done with that. I would give my little girl the world, because that was a father's job, and I loved her more than anything.

Finally, I could be happy and whole. I had a life of my own to look forward to. Nothing would take that from me.

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**The answer is very mean, very mean to Zero. I'm tempted to write a fic about him being a cute, awkward dad, but it would probably make my heart hurt an excessive amount. Er anyway, thanks for reading!**


End file.
